Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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