Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
