he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize