im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
sarcasm needs its own font
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
