i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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