I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
