I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
