is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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