I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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