Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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