Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
