Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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