had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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