I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize