He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
