he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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