dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
