Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
