i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
