Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
