I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize