also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
