Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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