Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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