You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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