Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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