I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
