It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize