Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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