Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize