Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
