today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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