Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
