I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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