dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
