Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
