I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
