I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
