I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
