you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
