I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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