Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
