Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
