Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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