I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
