Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
