It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
