How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
