the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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