I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
