i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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