im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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