Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
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