my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
