I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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