Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize