So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
