On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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