no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm really busy with my period
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