I met the friendliest cop last night
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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