Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
