dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
