The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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