I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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