His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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