There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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